THE HARRIET MIERS PLOY

 A Satirical Play In One Act

 CHARACTERS:Tony Blankley

 Ann Coulter

William Kristol

David Limbaugh

Rich Lowry

Michelle Malkin

 The play is set at the National Academy for Conservative Pundits in Washington, D.C. The area adjoining the Academy’s bar.

Time: Sunday, October 2, 2005, about 6:00 pm.Blankley enters from stage right, collapsing himself into a leather club chair.) Well, it’s true. He’s going to do it. No question about it.

As the curtain rises, the audience sees a room furnished in the manner of a venerable English gentlemen’s club. Beyond the church-like stained glass windows, dusk is settling over the capital, lights from the outside creating odd shapes of color in the room and dappling six men and women sitting in a semi-circle.

Malkin. That’s not so bad.

Kristol. Not so bad? It’s great. Harriet Miers is perfect. Female, successful lawyer, Texas Bar Association president, Bush’s own lawyer, rated a top attorney in the country, White House counsel, evangelical Christian. And she has no paper trail.

Limbaugh. Yeah, but the President will be accused of cronyism. Gonzales as Attorney General, Brown at FEMA, that woman just now at Immigration. And apparently no one knows what Miers believes.

Lowry. Look, just because no one in the White House is talking about this, we’ve got to give Bush the benefit of the doubt. After all, he’s appointed lots of conservatives to federal Courts of Appeal, and even district courts. He repeatedly said that Scalia and Thomas were the kinds of judges he would appoint to the Supreme Court, and even though Roberts may not be from the same mold as them, he’s close. The President keeps talking about "strict construction" and not legislating from the bench.

Coulter. Bush has known her for years. He must know what she believes. Rich is right. Look at what he’s said and done so far. We have to give Bush the benefit of the doubt. So we have to support her.

Malkin. Yes, but if she’s a marginal candidate, is our support going to help or hurt? It’s said that Jimmy Hoffa told Nixon he supported him, so Jimmy asked should he come out for Nixon or against him.

Blankley. Michelle has a good point. If we strongly support Miers, it may give the democrats, and even some Republicans like Chafee and McCain, and the lady from Maine, ammunition to use against her.

Coulter. Right. We have to attack the President and Miers. That way, we’ll make her look less like a conservative, and maybe that putz Harry Reid will support her just to piss us off. Tell you what, I’ll say Miers isn’t even qualified to play a Supreme Court justice on "The West Wing."

Kristol. I’ll write that conservatives were spoiling for a fight, for the nuclear option in the senate. That Miers seems like a nice lady, but as far as being a Supreme Court justice, she’s an empty robe.

Malkin. Even if Miers is "born again" and has a good heart, that doesn’t make a

Supreme Court justice—that’s going to be my take.

Limbaugh. As far as I’m concerned, I’ll holler that it’s disgraceful, given the real conservative judicial talent that’s out there, and I’m going to say so.

Lowry. I like the idea of alleging affirmative action and cronyism. My pitch is going to be that Miers is a meager offering.

Blankley.

Kristol. Sounds great. If we come down hard on the President and Miers, it’s likely that many of our fellow conservatives will take the cue and dump on them too. If that happens, the dummies on the other side of the aisle may figure that to spite us, they’ll give her a free ride.

Limbaugh. So by opposing her, we support her. Yes, I’m for it.

Lowry: Unless, of course, we really oppose her.

As the curtain falls, it is now dark outside the stained glass windows. Only dim Tiffany lamps illuminate the room. But all six can be seen smiling, enigmatically.

Curtain falls.